Alright, here I sit at a soccer scrimmage, enjoying the beautiful sunshine. Don’t really feel like writing, but I need to keep up this journal thing. I believe it really helps out in gathering my thoughts, and it is never a bad thing to have a history of feelings and events in your life.
I feel God is up to something in my life. Can’t really put my finger on it, but I believe that I am moving out of being a follower and into being a leader. I will never be ready to lead. There will ALWAYS be hesitation in my thoughts. It has to be God though. If I do it on my own, it will not flow, and the sacrifice will be too great.
I have seen this over and over again. When God is on the scene, the benefits outweigh the costs. Not just for me, but for my family as well. Scared? Darn right. I want to be used by God though. I want to use my past to help God grow in others. I know that God can use a lot of what I have gone through in life. He already is the guy I am mentoring right now.
I do have a strong desire for God daily right now, and it has been there for months. It will just not die out, like it has in the past. I think about spending quiet time in the AM right when I wake. I almost never had this to any extent in my past. Because of this, I believe God is moving me forward, just not sure how.
God, what are you doing? What are you growing inside my heart. I know you are up to something. I will continue to follow you and seek your presence in every area of my heart. Coach, almost every time we have some face-to-face time drops a line or two that he sees me in ministry. What ministry exactly? Maybe I won’t know and will just have to step out before it becomes apparent. I am willing to do that. I just need to know it is you. I believe it will be you when my wife is on board. We have gone through so much lately, and that last thing she needs is additional pressure on her plate of me being gone for extended periods of time ministering to other men when I am not ministering correctly to my own family. That scares me. I need to take care of my family first, then ministry comes second. There is no question about that.
God, lead me daily in my thoughts, decisions, and actions. I want you to be number one in my life without exception. Continue to nudge me where I need to be nudged. Help me to even more rely on you in areas where I attempt to do things on my own. Show me through your Word what you desire in my life. Soften those parts of my heart that I am unwilling to give to You. I love what you have done in my heart so far, just continue to do even more in my life. It isn’t about me, it is about you. All about you. I feel I have come a ways in the area of lifting myself up, but I have so far to go. Continue to bring things in my life that help me to be humble. I want to be a humble man, a man that values your intimacy more than anything else in life.